Two Steps Forward, One leap back.

This anxiety journey is exhausting. To quote the cliche, “it is an emotional roller coaster.” One day, I might be thrilled with my progress and my sense of normalcy. The next day, I feel mentally crippled by feelings of panic and self doubt. If I burned calories based on the mental workout I get, I would probably look like half an Olsen twin. I feel like I’m progressing and I guess that is why I have such anger when the panic wave rises. I feel like I should have won by now. I would like you to get a glimpse of my healing adventure. These are all of the things I’ve tried:

  • biofeedback therapy
  • cognitive behavioral therapy
  • overpriced regular therapy
  • meditation
  • mindfulness
  • aromatherapy
  • talking with family/friends
  • self-help books
  • a research project on understanding anxiety
  • diaphragmatic breathing
  • yoga
  • yelling, screaming, punching pillows
  • frequent exercise
  • healthy diet
  • no alcohol
  • self-help podcasts
  • journaling
  • panic diary

Get the picture? I’ve tried SO many things and most of the time…they work! However, it’s those times that sneak up on me and the darkness lingers. It comes out of nowhere and I feel defenseless to this magnificently strong power. I become frustrated because I should have figured this out by now. I have the tools to stop the panic. I have years of experience dealing with this. Why can’t I just figure it out? I would have the perfect life it this anxiety stopped.

That is a lot of “should, would, could” statements. For the first time in 25 years, I’m seeing the burden of those statements. I don’t have to have it all figured out and I don’t have to be perfect. I just have to keep working on my mind, body, and soul. When the Universe is ready for this burden to be lifted, I’ll find true peace. But, until then, I’ll ride the wave of panic and seek wisdom from each uncomfortable moment. My wish for you all today is be gentle with your soul when you take that leap backwards. It’s a process, a journey, an adventure. Love and light.

 

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Aligning my chakra stones gives me a sense of balance when I’m feeling internal chaos.

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2 thoughts on “Two Steps Forward, One leap back.

  1. I know what you’re talking about with feeling like you’ve progressed one day, and the next feeling like it’s all too much. “I should have won by now” rings true with me. I’ve been trying things for the past couple years, and I’m still not exactly sure what’s helped and what hasn’t. Something that’s important for me to do sometimes, is just look at how things are right now, and how they were a couple years ago. I’m in a better place, and the work I’ve done has made a difference. Also, preparing for bad days while you’re feeling good is never a bad idea. For instance, sometimes I’ll burn cd’s when I’m feeing up, so that I can listen to them when I’m down and don’t feel like even searching for music.

    I wish you the best on your journey!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love your line “If I burned calories based on the mental workout I get, I would look like half an Olsen twin”!! SO TRUE. Anxiety/panic is unbelievably physically exhausting. Like being forced to run a marathon I haven’t trained for in the slightest (by the way, pretty sure my record for running is only 3 miles, so that sheds some more light on the metaphor). You are making progress, step by step!

    Liked by 1 person

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